ARE YOU MY MOMMY?
by Deborah Smith
Parents With Nannies, Inc.
Becoming a mother is probably one of the most emotionally
charged experiences of a woman's life. Supercharge those
emotions with feelings of anxiety associated with leaving
your child in the care of another and many mothers, I'd say
most mothers, are faced with twinges of doubt, guilt and even
envy toward the caregiver who gets to spend the whole day
with your adorable baby.
It is very common and natural to feel some competition with
your caregiver. Siblings experience competitive emotions when
a new baby is brought into the house. Even spouses sometimes
feel they are in competition for their child's love. Whether
you drop your baby off at a daycare center or you employ
a Nanny in your home, there will be times when you will feel
"Hey, am I number one?"
Now, I will let you in on a little secret that I hope will
alleviate some of your fears of being replaced. It's a
secret most nannies know and any experienced mom will tell you.
Here it is, are you ready? Mommies are irreplaceable and your child
holds a very special place in his or her heart for you. One nanny
of 15 years put it this way "In 15 years of caring for
infants-toddlers and preschoolers I have never had an instance
where a child didn't know and prefer his/her mommy to nanny."
Your baby will not confuse you with your Nanny. She may, during
her language development, call your Nanny "Mommy" but do not jump to
the conclusion she is starting to believe this. At the same time, she
is probably calling every loving female in her life "Mommy" too.
This is just a learning period and you should know not to take this
phase personally. She will probably also call the mailman, her
pediatrician and every male stranger on the street "Daddy"
as well. During this phase, teach her the correct name or word
when she mistakenly says "Mommy." Simply say "No sweetie that's
"Nanny" and instruct your Nanny to make the same loving correction.
Do not be tempted to hire one temporary nanny after another,
thinking that if your child only receives short term care by
several different nannies that she will not come to prefer her nanny
over you. Believe it or not, this happens and it is a serious mistake.
Your child may never be able to form attachments later in life and
will
not be able to form those vital bonds they so desperately need for
healthy emotional and cognitive development. In their new book, What
Young Children Need to Succeed, written by Jolene L. Roehlkepartain
and
Nancy Leffert, Ph.D, the authors outline 40 assets infants need to
succeed. "Other adult relationships" is one of these assets.
They state that infants need to receive additional love and comfort
from at least one adult other than their parents! This book will help
reassure you that it is not harmful for your baby to have and love a
nanny!
Experienced nannies know and understand the delicate balance they
must maintain in their relationship with their charges and employers.
Here are some tips (courtesy of our discussion group members) to help
support and encourage the natural bond between baby and parents.
1. Never pit the parents against the child or put the parents
down in front of the child.
2. Never say "You are my kids." Never allow your charge to call you
mommy.
3. Show them pictures of mommy and daddy and talk to them about
mommy and daddy. Let them know it is a big deal when mommy and daddy
come home.
4. When you hand the baby to parent, pass her facing away from you,
so they see where they are going.
5. Respect the parents and their role in the child's life.
6. When/if your toddler starts calling nanny by the wrong name,
treat it as all the other language lessons, give her the
correct word. To help her in all of her language expression,
it is helpful to have photo books for her where she can
point to pictures and be given the correct word to go with them.
7. Establish "Mommy only" games and activities, special books or songs
rituals like bath time or bedtime can be reserved just for mommy
or daddy. When asked to read that special book or play that special
game, say something like, "Oh, that's your special mommy and you
book/game. Pick another one for me to read/play."
8. Gently redirect a child to his mother for comfort when you are both
available (while still letting the child know you are concerned and
that they can always count on you).
9. Keeping communications open really helps parent(s) feel
more comfortable that the Nanny's role in her child's
life is special but can never replace their special place.
In closing, I'll leave you with the words of one experienced
nanny employer who is currently employing her third nanny.
"We have had the most perfect Nanny on this earth
with our family for the past 6 months and our kids love her
dearly. They ask about her on the weekend and really hate to
see her leave at night (actually all of us hate to see her
leave at night!). I am as crazy about her as they are so I
understand their love for her completely... Do they know who
Mom is and who their Nanny is? You betcha, but it doesn't
make them love either one of us any less.... Children can never
have too many people who love them or too many people to love
in their lives!"
My sentiments, exactly!
Deborah Smith,
Former Nanny, Mommy of two terrific boys
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