Hidden Messages

     by Elizabeth Pantley

Empty Your Hands, Open Your Heart

The Hidden Message

"What you have to say is not important enough to justify my complete attention."

Think About It

It's an overwhelming task, this growing up.  As children make their way through the maturation process, they encounter new concepts every single day.  And no matter how delightful the discovery, they must integrate each one into their understanding of the world at large and how it relates to them.  All this life work often results in self-doubt and confusion.  Adding to that is the corners of their lives - their teachers, their friends, their peers, the media.  Perhaps the harshest assessments eventually come from themselves. When life feels overwhelming, children first seek the safe, secure refuge of their parents' arms...and the understanding audience of their parents' ears.  Yet, all too often they meet indifference.  And when this happens, they wander on in bewilderment, hoping to find someone who will withhold judgment and offer the attention they crave.

Changes You Can Make

In giving us each two ears and one mouth, our Creator certainly has made his position clear:  none of us would suffer if we'd spend twice as much time listening as we do talking.  Of course, we are remarkable creatures capable of multitasking.  We can engage in many manual functions under a barrage of audio input and output, but listening, like our ears, should always be closer to the top of things.  Nowhere is this truer than in the arena of child rearing, where attending to the details of our daily lives can often preclude really listening to our kids.

We give our children an indelible message of love and acceptance when we truly listen to them.  Listening is not a passive activity; if you want to hone your skills in true listening, first put down the paper or the dish towel, shut off the TV, turn away from the computer screen.  Get eye-to-eye and heart-to-ear.  Tune in to not only the words but also the meaning and person behind them.  Give your child the time necessary to complete a thought without your feeling that you must jump in to solve, predict, answer, or lecture.  And remember that, often, your children don't want, or need, advice.  They need you to empty your hands, open your heart, and truly listen to what they have to say.

When you have achieved this level of listening, many benefits tumble forth.  Your children will talk to you about both the highlights and lowlights in their lives without fear of judgment or criticism.  They will become more honest and open.  And perhaps, as a clincher, you will have an opportunity to share your thoughts and values with a child who knows how to listen, because she has learned from experience.

How do you know that you're a successful listener?  At the end of each week, take this little performance quiz.  See how many statements you can honestly mark with a "Yes."  Although you'll rarely be able to affirm all seven in a week, the more you can answer yes, the better:

1.  I looked into my child's eyes as I listened.

2. My child told me something I didn't know.

3. I asked my child a question and then listened to the entire answer without interrupting.

4. I put down whatever was in my hands to show my child my full attention.

5. I was available to my child when he or she wanted to talk to me.

6. As I listened to my child, I held back at least one unproductive comment.

7. I laughed at something funny that my child said.

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