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KEYS TO MAKING THE RELATIONSHIP WORK INTRODUCTION This segment is an excerpt from The Nanny Textbook. It was written with the intent of helping parents and Nanny's make the most of their work and personal relationships. The relationship between the Nanny and the parent is unlike almost any other employer/employee relationship. In any other line of work most people would react to the suggestion of actually living with their boss, with either belly-laughter, or horror. Yet it is common in this field, and it can work very successfully. For those who live elsewhere, but work all day in their employer's private home, the job is less dynamic than it would be had they decided to "live-in", but it is still more dynamic than for those who actually work in a school, or center. The relationships, which work, have some common denominators. First and foremost there is mutual respect for one another. Neither the parent, nor the Nanny should think of herself to be the more valuable human being. In other words, there is consideration for the others wants, needs, and time. The relationships, which work, are the ones where the parties are more involved in what they can give, rather than what they can take (or get away with, or take advantage of, etc.) If you know of a family who has had a lot of success with their childcare arrangement, 99% of those people are "givers". The same is true for the Nanny who seems to end up in the best situations almost all of the time - this Nanny, too, is a "giver". The parent or the Nanny who is super critical, or even just very picky will undoubtedly always find something to be dissatisfied about. Those who are defensive, perhaps justifiably so because they had a prior poor experience, may inadvertently create enough discomfort among those they interview, because of the nature of their questions, to get rejected. If people with negative attitudes enter into a relationship, many times they are fraught with problems. Even those with parent/Nanny relationships which have been successful have not been without problems. Within the Professional Nanny Network (College and Career Program), we have many times heard a parent, or Nanny say, "So-and-so has had such good luck". Be advised, it has nothing whatsoever to do with "luck". That's like saying that someone's marriage worked because they were lucky. It works because the people involved are solution seekers. Perhaps because they are more respectful of one another, instead of faultfinding & blaming. Most likely, they look immediately to solutions when problems come up. Most of the time, they find the solutions they're looking for and the relationship has longevity.
WORK AGREEMENT This is a necessity. It is the parent's responsibility to initiate. A good idea is to put understandings in writing. The parent's should set forth the nanny's duties in the agreement, before the nanny begins caring for their child(ren). DAILY LOG BINDER Every home should have a special binder containing daily notes on each child. In addition to keeping a daily log, emergency medical information on each child should be in the binder, along with emergency telephone numbers, as well as recipes, menus, playgroup/activities schedules, and car pool information, are among those things that should be included. The binder should be kept in the kitchen where all adults have access to it. TRANSITION TO A NEW POSITION Once a position has been accepted, getting to know each other is the next big step. If the family has more than one child, it’s a good idea to structure the transition so that time can be spent with one child at a time. Children are naturally competitive when it comes to the significant adults in their lives and it’s easier to focus on one child at a time. Perhaps a morning with one, and then the afternoon with the other can be arranged. This will make a big difference starting on the first full day of work. Each child will have had an opportunity to get to know you and vice versa. You'll feel more comfortable with them, thus more confident, and it will show. ORIENTATION TO THE FAMILY However formal this may sound, it is more important for the Nanny who is working in a private home. Parents should assist you with the process of orientation using the forms included in this section. These forms aren't intended to be a knowledge assessment, but rather an efficient way to get to know the children and the environment. Parents should also complete the Orientation to Family "Process" form included here to be certain that you have the information you need to get off on the right foot. Keep in mind that routine is very important to children, especially young children. The more you know about the family members and the home, the less stress everyone will feel. There are a few very important topics to address first when starting a job in your employer's home * Safety Assessment - Refer to the "Home Safety Assessment", whenever a new job begins. Nannies should conduct a Home Safety Assessment every six weeks, or more often - but always when a new job begins in order to familiarize her with the new setting; * Emergency Overview - Refer to the Emergencies and First Aid form. After reviewing the book: "A Sigh Of Relief", or similar book on pediatric first aid, answer the questions on the form. This won't take the place of a first aid course, but it will be a great review for those who have taken first aid. For those who haven't taken a first aid course, you should take one at your earliest opportunity. Anyone caring for children for compensation should not only have first aid, but CPR certification as well. In the meantime, this exercise will raise your consciousness and make you more aware of potential hazards. An emergency medical information form should be completed by a parent and kept in the "Daily Log" binder, as should emergency telephone numbers. All nannies should start the ProfessionalNanny.com class; “Keeping Children Safe” prior to starting a position, ideally, but if not possible immediately afterwards.
* Growth & Development Orientation Assignments -
The form, "Description of the Child's Current
Development" is used to determine where the child is
developmentally. Using the Information you have completed on this
form (parent can assist you with this), go on to the "Safety
Considerations Relative to the Child's Development". You now
should know what is and what is not a safety hazard. The next form
"Creative Play", will help you become oriented to the
child's favorite activities and is a good place to document what
you would like to suggest. The "Anticipated Development
Changes" form will help you assess future changes.
Reviewing/researching such information will help you plan new
activities and will sensitize you to look for and encourage the
child's changing developmental needs. Some of the information
requested will require you to ask specific questions, review
portions of The Nanny Textbook and also, perhaps to do research. The
purpose is to help the transition into caring for children. * Process Recording - The process is an organized communication exercise which is used to initiate a discussion regarding: privacy, should you accept a position in a private home (either on a live-in, or on a live-out basis), etc. The form can also be used to open the discussion of other issues also. Its purpose is to help set a healthy, open line of communication right from the start of your employment.
* Emergency Overview - Refer to the “Emergencies
and First Aid” form. After reviewing the book: "A Sigh Of
Relief", or similar book on pediatric first aid, the
Emergency questions should be answered.
This won't take the place of a first aid course, but it
will be a great review for those who have taken first aid. For
those who haven't taken a first aid course, you should take one at
your earliest opportunity. Anyone caring for children for
compensation should not only have first aid, but CPR certification
as well. In the meantime, this exercise will raise your
consciousness and make you more aware of potential hazards. An
emergency medical information form should be completed by a parent
and kept in the "Daily Log" binder, as should emergency
telephone numbers. WORKING
WITH THE NEW MOTHER
Few new moms anticipate the ambivalence they will feel when
the time comes for them to return to work and leave the baby with
the Nanny. It is common to see anxiety on the part of the new
mother, which manifests in what appears to be a lack of confidence
in the Nanny, distrust or general irritability. Needless to say,
this doesn't do a lot for the relationship, especially at this
early stage. Empathy is what's needed in these situations as well
as some planning to help avoid this problem. It helps if the Nanny
is hired in enough time prior to the start of the job to enable
her to spend some time with the mother and baby. We suggest that
the Nanny spend several days with the mom, getting to know her and
the baby's routine. As everyone becomes more comfortable,
encourage mom to let you care for the baby while she does errands,
etc. Gradually increasing the amount of time that you are caring
for the baby is the ideal scenario and works extremely well. Be
sure you are as attentive to the things on which the mother puts
emphasis. This will help her feel more comfortable and trusting.
There may be things she wants you to do, or precautions to take,
which you may not think are important. Do it anyway. Taking some
extra time with something, or going out of your way is a small
price to pay to help the new mom feel more comfortable as she
makes the adjustment from home to work. PRIVACY
ISSUES WHEN LIVING-IN
These should always be discussed before starting the job.
The "Orientation to Family" information contains a
communication exercise called a Process Recording, which is
helpful once the job has been accepted. However every job is
different and you may need to think through the privacy element
before you can decide if a particular job is right for you. Think
about other situations you have worked in, lived in, or otherwise
experienced. What were your "pet peeves" in those
situations? What are your morning, evening, weekend habits that
you enjoy and may not be willing to change? What about mealtime?
How will it change with this job? What if the family prefers to
eat alone, or just the parents prefer to eat alone? Your habits
should be compared with theirs and discussed. Let the family know
that you want to honor their particular family rituals. Give them
"permission" to tell you what it is they really prefer.
This will make it easier for you to tell them more about what your
needs are. CURFEWS
WHEN LIVING-IN
When the Nanny lives in a family's home, the topic of
curfew may come up. There are some instances where it makes sense
for all members residing in a home to be in at a particular time.
For instance, dogs may bark and disturb people who are sleeping.
Parents know that when they have had too little sleep they may be
impatient, slow to respond, not interactive with the child and
perhaps a safety hazard. If you are out until one or AUTOMOBILE
AS A BENEFIT In many situations, the family/employer provides a car for the Nanny to use when transporting the children and/or for the Nanny's personal use. Cars are expensive to purchase, to maintain and to insure. If the Nanny has prior incidents on her driving record which has raised the insurance premium, it is not uncommon for the employer to request that the Nanny pay the difference in cost because of the unsafe driving points on her driving record. In the event of an accident while on duty. If the Nanny is at fault, it is reasonable that s/he should pay the deductible.
It is not unusual for the employer to expect the Nanny to
put gas in the car when it is used during off-duty hours. The
employer may limit the amount of miles per week for personal use
in order to conserve the life of the car for as many years as
possible and to keep its value.
If an employer wants you to use your own car to transport
the children, etc., they should give you the current IRS mileage
allowance and pay for the gas.
Some employers will offer to purchase a car for the Nanny
and then deduct an amount from the weekly salary to pay back the
loan at no interest. In this instance, you should choose a car
that you want to own. FREQUENT
MEETINGS It is a good idea to plan to meet weekly to discuss what's going on and also just for the opportunity to talk to one another without the children. You will tend to know and like each other better because you have both taken the time to get to know one another. This is a relationship maintenance practice, which is proof that the parties value the relationship and each other's role in it. SPEAK
UP WHEN YOU HAVE SOMETHING ON YOUR MIND
This cannot be emphasized enough. Each person has a
responsibility to speak up anytime something needs to be
discussed, otherwise resentment brews, burnout accelerates, and
tempers can flare. Don't be afraid of hurting someone else's
feelings. You are hurting the relationship by keeping your
feelings to yourself and building resentment. Usually when someone
says they don't want to hurt an others feelings, they really mean
that they feel awkward, or uncomfortable discussing what ever is
on their mind. Keep in mind, those things that really bother us
that we are reluctant to discuss, are usually the things that
really need to be communicated for the sake of the relationship. BE
ON TIME
This is an issue for both parents and Nanny. It is
essential to call if you are going to be late for any reason. Not
doing so suggests disrespect for the other person. This is an
issue that comes up most frequently with parents who are running
late. If this happens often, discuss it and try to build in some
extra time at the end of the day. If possible ask to be
compensated. To avoid discussion and simmer with anger because
your plans were ruined will erode the relationship. Bring it up in
a non-threatening manner. Use the Process Recording form mentioned
above in the Orientation section. PRACTICE
RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS
Go out of your way to do something thoughtful. Offer to
stay with the children if they'd like to get away overnight. You
might be amazed at the kind of chain reaction you can start. This
is another form of "relationship maintenance" which
strengthens the employer/employee relationship and builds up good
feelings for those times when things become stressful, as they
sometimes will. TERMINATION
FRICTION
When the Nanny has given notice and is leaving, friction
can rear its ugly head even in the best of situations. For many
people it is difficult to separate amicably. It seems that some of
us need to get on each other’s nerves as part of the ritual of
leaving. This is a pattern that has been seen in hundreds of
situations. It is probably easier to say good-bye this way,
however it’s stressful and there are better ways to separate.
The important thing is to know it happens, and to talk about it.
Try to see the humor whenever you can. The Nanny may find that the
things, or certain little habits her employer has always had,
really start to annoy her during her employment. It also, works
the other way for the parent/employer. Remember that this is a
normal occurrence. Be aware of this dynamic and don't let it give
you amnesia. You wouldn't be going through this if you didn't like
each other. FRIENDS
AND VISITS
As with any other job, the employee's friends should never
be at your workplace while you are on duty. Telephone
conversations should be limited to confirming plans or arranging
for a time to talk when you are off duty. Let your friends know
that you take your job seriously. If you live-in, it is not
appropriate to have different dates come to the house to pick you
up. You should meet elsewhere.
Let your “significant other” know that you take your
job seriously and handle your relationship in a responsible
manner. Only a “significant other” should come to your
employer's home if you live-in, but only with an agreement with
the family. If you live out, it should never occur unless you are
being picked up or dropped off. HOUSEWORK
Housework as a major part of the responsibility (ovens, toilets, etc) should always be under a separate agreement with an amount of salary apportioned for that responsibility in order to clearly identify it from the main responsibility of the Nanny. Should you find that it is too much and you wish to drop the housework from your duties, that portion of the salary can be dropped. Before agreeing to include housework with the child-care, be certain of the expectation, i.e., what duties are included (bathrooms, bedrooms, kitchen, whole house, etc.) and whether or not you are capable of handling all of it.
Because some employers do not recognize the time involved
in heavy housework chores, if there is a child crawling around
when you are trying to wash the kitchen floor, or a toddler
disappearing up the stairs, as your first responsibility is to the
child, the task might not be completed. It is stressful to
continually be interrupted which can be the case when combining
child-care and housekeeping.
Resentment could become an issue if the Nanny feels that
she is being taken advantage of. Beware of employers who seem to
be squeezing every ounce of work from you. To avoid these 'pit
falls,' both the Nanny and the employers must understand and agree
to the duties involved from the beginning and negotiate any new
responsibilities separately as they come up. WORKING
IN STRESSFUL ENVIRONMENT You have the right to work in a reasonably stress-free environment. In situations where there is 'tension' in the household, i.e., you’re employees arguing, cold wars, yelling or other behaviors, which may be uncomfortable for you. Consider approaching them to let them know that their behavior is a problem for you. This may encourage them to find better solutions for coping with their communication with each other.
If an older child or another family member is creating
'tension' in your work setting, you must discuss this problem with
the appropriate person. (Refer to the Chapter on 'Communication'
for ways to discuss problems with your employer). TELEPHONE
USE WHEN LIVING-IN If there isn't a private line already, you may request your own phone line into the house that you should expect to pay for yourself. This will avoid friction such as, long distance calls, late night calls, not having a phone available when you need one, etc. This is an option, to discuss with your potential employer. DIFFERING
CHILD-CARE PHILOSOPHIES
Ideally, your employers' and your child rearing
philosophies will not be radically different, however, an issue
may present itself when the job is well underway. Parents will
determine the style of limit setting, what friends are allowed to
visit, etc. Should the Nanny become aware of the possibility of
any abuse, physical, verbal, sexual, you should contact an abuse
'hot line' for advice. (Refer to the Chapter on Ethics). Under all
other circumstances, the Nanny has the responsibility to follow
the parent's directives for the care of their child(ren), to
follow their guidelines at all times.
Often, parents will request more from a professional Nanny
than what they, themselves, may do when caring for their child(ren).
For instance, a parent may ask that you never turn the TV on and
instead expect that you spend that time more creatively, and when
the weekend comes you see that the children are mesmerized in
front of the 'tube' while mom and dad are reading the newspaper.
This is their right. Many parents simply don't have the energy to
be creative on the weekends. If this is a difficult area for you
to accept, it may be wise to recognize it and deal with it before
it becomes an issue on the job. AT-HOME
PARENT
Some Nannies will not even interview for a position where
there is a parent at home during the day. When interviewing for
this kind of position, look for sensitivity in the at-home parent
to 'back you up' and that mom or dad won't be continuously giving
orders over your shoulders and will allow you to do your job. It is usually difficult for the Nanny to form a bond with the child if she is competing with mom or dad because the child, (especially younger), tends to want to be with family members over the Nanny. Some parents understand how to successfully be at home and blend into the environment in a helpful way so as not to disrupt the routine.
If a parent sees you only as a 'Helper,' you may feel dissatisfied. You were hired as a Nanny. Ask for references. Before accepting the position, ask the name of the Nanny that was previously employed in the position you are considering, and ask questions such as: Ø Did the parent back up the Nanny? (With reference to Discipline) Ø Did s/he end up doing more chores than child-care? Ø What was it you liked or enjoyed the most? Ø Did the Nanny feel scrutinized? Ø Was the parent supportive of the Nanny? Were they helpful with the transition? Ø Did you enjoy working with the family? Ø Did you feel comfortable living and working within the home? Ø Is the parent moody or irritable? Ø Does the schedule remain intact, or does it frequently change? Was that a problem? Ø Is there anything you can tell me that will help me work better within the family? EXTENDING YOUR WORK AGREEMENT Parents should extend the work agreement at each six-month point, for a year from that point. Many nannies enter into a work agreement promising one year of service, however if the year is coming to an end and the parent hasn’t brought up staying beyond the initial year, many times nannies make other plans. When this happens continuity is interrupted by default. Parent/employers want continuity, which is very important, and would like to have a Nanny stay as long as possible in their employ. (Most agencies will not place a Nanny who cannot or will not guarantee a one-year minimum agreement). Therefore, you may be approached by your employer at the six-month point of your first year, to ask if you would like to extend your agreement beyond the first year. This also provides a vehicle to plan ahead, to discuss ways to meet each other’s long term needs, changes, & to ensure continuity for the child(ren). Young children develop optimally with attentive, one to one nurturing care from adults who love them. Routine is especially essential to infants and toddlers and contributes to their developing sense of safety & security. BONUS AND SALARY INCREASES Performance Reviews in writing are encouraged as a basis for salary increases. Salary Increases will vary depending on your review. Written reviews will also help to measure how you are meeting your goals, to settle possible conflicts, and will be good to have in your portfolio for the future. Bonuses may be given in lieu of a raise, especially if the employer wants to retain you for the long haul. Raising the Nanny's base salary regularly could result in the family not being able to afford the Nanny long term. SCHEDULES Your position should not be so cumbersome as to leave you no time for a social life. Everyone needs balance in his or her life and without it, will not function effectively. Employer's who do not recognize this should be avoided. The most common schedule is 8:00 a. m. to 6:00 p. m. However, any combination of hours can be negotiated depending on what the family needs. Jobs which are advertised as having two to three hours off during the day supposedly enabling the employer the right to expect you to work the two or three hours beyond what is usually expected is unfair. The only exception to this is if you are attending classes during that off time, or have another responsibility. Even in these instances, however, if a child is ill, the Nanny must miss the class or the other responsibility in order to stay with the ill child. That is the standard expectation. Any deviation in time must be discussed with the employer. ERRANDS WHILE ON-DUTY As with any other kind of job, it is unprofessional to do your own errands on your employer's 'dime.' The unsupervised nature of this job lends itself to type of abuse. The employer expects to have all the time agreed upon spent on the specific needs of the child and the family. Unless part of your duties resist the tendency to drop by the mall to look for something to wear out to dinner while you are on-duty. It is unprofessional as well as unfair to the employer and to the child(ren). SCHEDULING VACATIONS The Nanny and the employer should mutually decide what the vacation schedule will be. It should never be the decision of one or the other alone. The exception to this would be if the vacations schedule is introduced at the time the offer of employment is made and is a condition of employment. TRAVELING WITH THE FAMILY Accompanying the family on their vacation can be tricky. You are working, otherwise you would not have been invited to go along. If it were your vacation, you would be taking it away from your job, with your own family or friends. Therefore, if you are with the family, you are on-duty. Discuss, determine, and be absolutely certain what your schedule will be when you get there. The most nightmarish vacations have been when the Nanny went along expecting to have fun only to find herself in a hotel room watching a sleeping infant while everyone else is at the beach. Most employers will be sensitive and be flexible, but it is imperative to prearrange your schedule to avoid problems. WHEN TO TELL THE CHILDREN YOU'RE LEAVING We advocate telling the children that you will be leaving at the time that you begin your job. Too many times, parents and nannies joke about "staying forever" and to children, this becomes their expectation. It is normal and healthy for anyone, in any job, to grow out of it, to want to seek different experiences. It doesn't mean that you care any less for the people you work for; it’s just a fact of life in our society. You should discuss with the parents when you will tell the children, but again, it is recommended that you do so immediately. Ideally, prior to telling them, you and the parents should plan a time for you to return to visit so that when you tell the children you are leaving, you tell them at the same time when you will be back to see them. Keep in mind that children as young as six to eight months - although pre-verbal - understand what is said. Therefore, never talk in front of them about things you don't want them to know. Another reason why you should be authentic with them is that they WILL pick up on the little nuances, the subtle hints that you will undoubtedly let slip. For instance, you may not talk about what you will be doing on a particular child's birthday because you know you won't be there, etc. If a child knows something is up and no one is talking about it, it causes anxiety for him or her that is needless. When you tell them, keep it matter-of-fact. Talk about when you will be back to visit. Plan to write to one another. Perhaps the worst-case situation would be for the Nanny to disappear. This can be very traumatic to a child and ethically speaking, should never be done. Creating a gradual transition is vital to the well being of the child and this should be kept in mind, in all situations. The
second edition of Anne Merchant's
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